Saturday, 21 January 2017

365 Questions - 21st January

Today I wish I had more ......

Tone in my breasts. But I am a menopausal woman who is approaching 55 years of age. When I touch myself these days the flesh beneath my fingers feels soft and spongy rather than firm. This change is more noticeable when I am lying on my back, when the force of gravity causes them to fall away to the sides. The skin, once smooth and free of blemishes is puckered and if you look closely there are stretch marks. Signs of a time when I carried more weight and also the time when I was breastfeeding and my breasts swelled with milk.


But, all is not lost. They are a decent size and when I stand they retain sufficient tone that they are yet to droop down to my waist. Master loves to hold them in his hands, to pull and suck my nipples and he adores the piercings. We both love the piercings, the very first thing we did as a sign of my submission and his ownership of me and my body. When I wear a supportive, but well cut bra I know that I still look like a woman with a good pair of tits, or jugs as he often calls them.

My breasts may have lost tone, and they may be soft and squidgy rather than firm to the touch, but they are still a reasonable asset. Even if I had the money, I don't think I would seek to change them, to enhance them, pretend I was 20 years younger. They are part of who I am.



Friday, 20 January 2017

365 days - 20th January

What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?

In comparison with some other times of my life nothing is so hard at the moment. In myself I am happier than I have been so often in the past. My job is going well and though I am busy I am getting recognition for the things I am doing.

Without wanting to tempt fate, my mum's health is good and though lonely, she is coping with her life without my dad. She is considering downsizing and also thinking about making that move to be nearer to my brother. He lives in an area where housing prices are lower since it is further away from London.

I am enjoying my time at my slimming club and have made friends there. I need to focus much more on actually losing some more weight, but it is not a massive deal. I plan to explore becoming a slimming consultant, and wonder whether ultimately that might be the part time job I need on top of my NHS pension, but we shall see.

Master and I are approaching our 3 year anniversary and things are going well. We admit we need to explore our kinky life a little more, and will try to make 2017 the year for that. I want to develop my blog and have my own domain and Wordpress installed but am struggling with moving everything over. I need to spend some time and learn a bit about that side of things. Then I want to try to write some fiction. I am hoping our trip to Eroticon will help with those things. I think perhaps that is the hardest thing and since that isn't really so bad, I have very little to worry about!

Thursday, 19 January 2017

365 Questions - 19th January

My curent favourite website is.....

There is no absolute favourite place. I visit a variety of places during a day, depending on what I am looking for: news, social media, kink.

I actively trawl my twitter account (@MPBjulie) to find new places to visit. I also have a personal account for work related stuff. Occasionally I have inadvertently cross posted, but I don't think it has been noticed.

I do visit Facebook and have caught up with a number of old friends and also family through that particular medium. I am also embarrassed to admit that I crush candy and play one or two other games.

I read the news, looking at a variety of sites to try to obtain some kind of (often elusive) balance.

I have a number of links on my blog of places I visit and periodically I update and try to find new and interesting blogs to visit.

I visit tumblr too. But have to admit that I have to be in the right mind. I love to look at photos that depict a real kinky dynamic. Sadly they are far and few between.

Generally then, I have no real favourite place, but do love to visit and eclectic range of places. I love to keep my options open.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

365 Questions - 18th January, Follow your heart

My head rules my life. While I may appear to act on impulse and to to follow my gut feeling or indeed my heart that really isn't the case. Instead I plan and consider what I should do and then spend a little more time considering what to do next. I worry about the consequences of my actions and then sometimes do nothing for ages even for ever.

I followed my heart when my ex proposed. At the age of just 19, he was my first boyfriend and I imagined myself unattractive to other boys of my age since no one else had asked me. I was in love with the idea of being in love and engaged. Soon after I got involved briefly with an ex patient from the orthopaedic ward. He had been involved in a motor cycle accident and had had surgery. One night the patient in the next bed suffered a severe haemorrhage and afterwards the young man and I talked through our respective experiences and afterwards swapped phone numbers. I an not sure that kind of thing would be encouraged these days, but at the time there seemed no harm in it. I was going off duty on days off and he would be gone on my return. A couple of weeks later we went on a date. He was keen to see  me again, and I was tempted. But I was engaged and got cold feet. My heart told me to do one thing, my head something else. My head won.

It is hard to think of any time in the following 30 years when I actually did anything on impulse where true emotion was involved. I always did the sensible thing, acted like the grown up I was. Until that is the afternoon I travelled to meet with S and subsequently spent the night with him. I often think of what might have happened if things had gone wrong. But they didn't and we had some great times. Then of course, a couple of years later after things with S ended I met Master. We met in a pub one day and then had a play date the next.

Looking back it is hard to see that that woman in her 50's is the same as that young scared girl of 19.  But of course I am just a more experienced, mature version of the person I was then. Someone who realised that she needs to live her life not regret the things she might have done.

The question for 18th January - The best part of today was:

Well, other than the dinner out I just had with my mum and two brothers it is the realisation that I really can do what I want these days. I really can follow my instinct and my heart. I told my brother that I really would like him to come and help us finish off the painting that is needed in this house. I don't want to prolong things longer because I want to get the house valued and on the market.

I want to follow my heart!



Tuesday, 17 January 2017

365 questions - 17th January

What are you grateful for?

Irritatingly this question is a little bit lot similar to the one posed on 2nd January. Still, since I have recently written on this blog that I often don't finish things I start and don't feel able to give up on day 17 of 365, here goes.

Today I am grateful for the time spent in the office actually sitting at my desk getting work done. I am grateful that today I only had one meeting and by going out as I did I was able to see the sun and the sky. It was a cold day, but it was bright and fresh. By going to the meeting I managed to get my 10,000+ steps for the first time since I got back from Brussels (as least I think). I am grateful that the meeting finished a little early and since there was no point in going back to the office, I also got home early. I am most grateful that my ex didn't call in today, so I haven't had to experience that.

I am grateful that today has on balance been a good day.

Monday, 16 January 2017

365 Questions - 16th January

Who do you love?

I love the man I plan to share my life with. I never expected to find love again after such a long and often loveless marriage, probably more on my part than his. 

We don't tell each other that we love each other all that often to be honest. But when we do it is very clear that the feeling is mutual. I trust Master with my body and my heart and I love him. 

Sunday, 15 January 2017

365 questions - 15th January

Who last called you on the phone

My last phonemail was from a work colleague on Thursday. I had a missed call from my mum on Friday, which I responded to with a text and then went to see her later. 

Contact by phone is something that we used to do much more often than we do now. Instead we text, email, or make contact by some kind of direct message. I wonder if we are losing direct personal contact with each other? 

Having said that contact between both my mum and I and my son and I are definitely better managed by phone. Plus, at work a phone call has to be easier than 10 emails. Just a thought!


Worship






Saturday, 14 January 2017

365 Questions - 14th January

What did you get done?

Sadly very little today. The week after holiday is always tiring and this has been particularly busy, with some late finishes. I did cook another new dish tonight, which we both enjoyed. Other than that I have mainly been sitting on the sofa watching TV, reading and surfing the net. Maybe tomorrow! 

Finishing off the 30 days of kink

If there was one thing about myself that I would love to change it would probably be to see things through to the end. I am pretty good with ideas, and I am very good at starting a project. But I am less good at actually finishing it. At work, I often find myself losing interest if the going gets a bit tough or others aren't as enthusiastic as me. But generally because it is part of my working life and it is what I am paid to do, I make sure that I push on to the end. 
At home I am not always quite so committed. If a book begins to get dull or isn't well written I invariably give up on it. If a blog post fails to look and feel right I might park it or even delete. This morning I realised that while in 2015 I started the 30 days of kink meme, getting to day 19, I never actually finished it. Since I want to do some tidying up on the blog and move the 30 days of kink onto the meme page, I have decided to get on and finish it off (rather than delete or leave it unfinished. So here goes:

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand
There are a few things to be curious about, for example how does it feel to be tied up in a shibari rope and suspended above the floor? What would it be like to be flogged in public? Equally there are things I am not keen on and don't really get, for example needle play - why would you want to do it and what pleasure would there be in it? Still I never say never about anything, but I will never be first in the queue to try needle play.

Day 21: Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I have read a number of BDSM related books over the years, both fiction and non-fiction. Indeed when I began this journey, I found that they helped me to find out the kink that I thought I might be interested in. Even with the contents of my kindle to hand, it is difficult to remember all of them; some are much better written and more believable than others.

In terms of fiction, I enjoyed the Rescue Me Saga, written by Kallypso Masters which started with Masters at Arms & Nobody's Angel  and the Brie series, by Red Phoenix which started with Brie's Submissive Training  

My first ever non fiction book was the New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy, which I still rate very highly.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

A healthy relationship takes work by both parties. Whether vanilla or BDSM there is a need for good communication, particularly the ability to listen and understand each other. There is a need to give and take, to care for each other. Some friends of mine once said that a successful relationship needs sex, love and friendship in equal measure.

The nature of a BDSM relationship means that you also must respect each other, there must be trust and communication is perhaps more important. It is difficult to know if the fact that we talk to each other, consider each others feelings and respect each other more than ever was the case with my ex has anything to do with it being a Master slave relationship. We have come into this knowing what we wanted from each other, and over time we have settled into a routine that suits us. 

Our lifestyle might appear vanilla to some, but M/s and kink is never far below the surface of our life. 

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I have learnt that there is no right or wrong when it comes to kink and that no two relationships function in the same way. I recognise that I need to feel Master's control over me, I need him to be in charge. I increasingly find decision making difficult and that my preference is for him to make them for me. That isn't to say I am unable to function or that I don't make decisions for myself, it is just my preference. 3 years ago I had no real idea what being a slave might mean. Funnily enough I thought I knew about myself and my submission and about submission in general. But it turns out I was and am still learning. As they say, you are never too old to learn, or it turns out to change. 

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
I have never looked for a partner, or really been clear what I would be looking for if I were. There have really only been 3 serious relationships in my life and I have been lucky that all 3 have been with caring men. Now though I am probably happier than I ever have before and that is because this man meets my needs in so many ways. He is kind and considerate and my needs are pretty near the front of the queue. He has a great sense of humour, and we laugh a lot. He is intelligent, and well read and trying to keep up with him on any kind of level stretches my own mind. He is perceptive and that means he is very good at also stretching my body and my list of kinks. 

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
I am not at all open with the vast majority of people partly because I don't believe it is their business and also because I doubt they would understand. I don't particularly want to be judged. However if someone asked me about it and I felt that they truly wanted to know I would tell them. I feel lucky to have a few friends who I can speak openly to, but in the main its just Master and I. 

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? 

I can hardly be against it since that is really how Master and I met. On alt.com almost exactly 3 years ago we met in a chat room, where there was lots of online play going on. I quite enjoyed it, but always knew it was just a bit of fun. Some people take it far more seriously, but then they probably aren't going to meet the people they play with in real life. We still used to visit the chat room once we had met, but online play then felt a bit ridiculous and even though he hadn't said that I couldn't play with other men, I really didn't want to. Finally the chat activities on that particular site changes and the rooms became less popular, anyway our own relationship in real life developed to an extent that we no longer needed to go there. 

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Of course, my life isn’t spent separating its various elements and doing one thing at a time. The only area where there is no overlap is with work, and family stuff. In everything else yes. For example we love to travel, and there are lots of times when I will be dressed to please him and that will lead to some kinky play while we are out and about. 

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Master has bought me a number of leather outfits, a spanking skirt, waistcoats, and some harnesses that I sometimes will wear for our play times. Other times I will be naked. It's really up to him in the main.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title(eg mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, Sir)? What is your opinion of these titles in general?

My title is girl. That's what Master calls me most of the time, only occasionally calling me by my given name. Sometimes he will call me slut, or more often get me to call myself slut, or whore or some other. I have no problem with any of these words or titles. It feels ok when I say them and I guess I am just used to it.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.


I am not sure there is anything else to say and if anything springs to mind I will add it in.