A new year and some thoughts about the year ahead.
So, time passes and in the next few months we will be reaching our third anniversary.
Over the latter part of this summer and into autumn we have been getting my house ready to sell. There are still a few things to finish off and there is some de-cluttering to do. From early on in the year (given that we went away last year) I decided I wanted to spend a last Christmas here. I need to do the family thing in my own place, once last time. I had intended to get the house on the market before now, but it just hasn't been possible and now, it seems that was the right decision. My son is in the process of buying an apartment with his girlfriend and there will be a gap between their lease expiring and being able to move to the new place. So they will need to store stuff here and stay for some of the time.
In the new year though I plan to finally make the break I have spoken about for so long.
I will move to Master's house and we will begin our 24/7 M/s life together.
We are beginning to re evaluate our relationship, the rules and terms of engagement that will be part of our life from that point forward.
I fully hope and expect that will mean me embracing some of the things I have resisted for too long - this will mean shorter hair, rules about clothes when we are alone, tattoos, more piercings and other things that I am looking forward to more than I would like to admit. All of this will be set within the context of my work, our travels and my family life.
The present is tiring though interesting, but the future looks just grand!
Yesterday I wrote this, and I think it sums things up right now.
10th April 2016
The past couple of weeks were a little troublesome. There is a need to get on with things relating to the past relationship and in selling the house. After this post, a conversation then meeting with my son took place and he made it clear that he felt closure was needed. The idea of being given life and relationship advice by a 25 year old was to say the least interesting. But I did take it on board. Funnily enough this has coincided with some of the challenging interactions with Master and of course they are likely as not linked.
There are some things to be done in the house before it can be sold and these started this week. It could be 7 or 8 years since we replaced the bathroom, but until this weekend the bath had no side panel. According to my mum it one of the things that my dad used to complain about, when they visited, directly linked in his mind to the lack of effort my ex put in to looking after the house. He was right, hubby didn't do those simple things, in this case because cutting around a few pipes was difficult. On Saturday we went to the hardware store, bought what was needed and he cut out the bits that were necessary. It looks amazing and I feel stupid that this wasn't done before.
Next Friday I am meeting the ex to discuss time frames for selling the house. The need to get on with things grows in me. I want to sell up and start the next episode of my life.
Master and his girl discussed the arguments that have taken place over recent weeks and agreed that these are trivial and unnecessary.
We had a mostly relaxing time but that time was interspersed with time where this girl wore her bitch collar, was without underwear and at times was naked. There were a lot of orgasms and there was some pretty good sex.
More importantly though, there was time for submission. For a reaffirmation of what was important in this relationship.
We are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic and over the coming months while things are sorted here, we will confirm what that looks and feels like.
Today we went out with my family for my brothers birthday, it was happy and fun. All in all right now this slave is one happy slave. As for the week ahead, mindfulness is needed to make sure that the arguments of the past weeks are behind us and we are moving ahead to our goal.
31st January 2016
Two years on and going strong!
21st November 2015
It seemed like October and early November were lean times for me in terms of my submission. It wasn't really that there was a problem, it was just that life has been busy and that my submission wasn't at the front of my mind. But there were a couple of occasions when I began to display behaviour that wasn't really appropriate. It involved me drinking a little too much on my own and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. Over the past couple of weeks though, I have given this some thought, have made a few changes to the way in which I manage my life and I think I have turned a little corner.
I have spent this year since April trying to lose some weight. I have had some success and while I would like to have lost more, I am feeling lighter, fitter and what is more my clothes are getting a little on the baggy side. There is more to lose, which will probably take well into next year, but cutting down on the alcohol is something that will definitely help.
For many months I asked Master for more control and more rules. But actually I have come to realise that these are not necessary. My role as slave is to ensure that I do things at all times which he is or would be pleased with. Acting out, constantly texting for no reason definitely fall into the category of doing things that he isn't happy with. Rather than him instructing me not to do such a thing, it is better that I work through the issues that led to this happening and make the changes my self. This feels like a big thing for me.
Being his slave is not a part time commitment, even though we don't live together, it is a 24/7 role. My slavery doesn't come and go depending on whether Master is there or not, instead it is something that is constant. It isn't something I need to think about all of the time, but it is I think important to give a little time each day reflecting on who I am, what I am and how I can work towards making his life as Master all the better.
In a months time we will be on our way to Spain where we will spend 3 whole weeks together. Our longest time yet in a 24/7 Master and slave TPE. I am excited about the trip and the fact we will be doing our own thing for Christmas, but I am more excited that I get the opportunity to be the slave he wants and needs for all of that time.
30th August 2015
Reading the evolution of yourself and your thoughts over a period of 3 years is interesting if you have changed half as much as I can see that I have. This journey has often felt longer than what to a woman of my age is a small part of the total. As I sit here now, I wonder how I lived as I did for quite so long. How did I allow myself to become so down trodden and repressed? How did I accept a life with a man I felt no sexual attraction to for so long? How did I continue to trust him when I knew that I shouldn't, since he had history, so much history of telling lies.
Last month I became Master's collared slave. Already registered since February this year as 'this girl' with the number 798-167-302 on the slave register, I have committed myself to Master and to this lifestyle.
My key thoughts recently have been about the way in which I still have a tendency to decide to do things without actually discussing them with Master in the way I think I should. It isn't that I am being wilfully disrespectful or anything like that, it is more that I just forget until I have done something already. These things relate to things I do when we are not together rather than when we are and probably are the last remaining part of my previous life. Perhaps there is nothing wrong in me arranging to meet with a friend and telling Him about it later. It is not that it really affects Him. But I do have the feeling (even though He has said nothing about it), that I really should be a little more mindful of my place before I do make arrangements.
That then is my next task for myself - ask instead of tell and discuss before doing.
June 2nd 2015
It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl's mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.
But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn't been discussed. The fact is that:
There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom
What has changed is that:
This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave
This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new limits?
May 30th 2015
This morning Master commented that it must have been a year since this girl became His slave. This thought has given this girl cause to reflect on that year and to realise how far she has come and how different her life is now in comparison to then. For one, there is no 'alpha slave' waiting across the atlantic ocean. This time last year, Master was with kitty and unknown to this girl, things in that relationship were drawing to a close. None of us realised it at the time, so this girl was trying to live from day to day, making the most of her time as His slave, biding her time until it would end and kitty would arrive. At that time also, hubby was still spending part of the week at home, son was living here and things with dad's illness were beginning to come to a head. Life was stressful and this girl appeared to be one high maintenance slave.
But actually that is far from reality. This girl is in the main self sufficient when she needs to be, but ever reliant on Her Master when she doesn't. Life is now in a steady routine where weekends are spent together. During this time, this girl feels safe in the knowledge that she is His slave, His property, His play thing, but the relationship is now so much more. During the week, this girl is working and in the evening she is her, at home, alone. What is different though is that she remains His slave during that time. There is now never a moment that she doesn't know or feel that she is His. There are external signs - the slave bracelet and the piercings. But without those symbols that knowledge and feeling remains. This is now a 24/7 TPE relationship even though we don't live together. This is stated even though just days ago this girl denied this was so. Today she has changed her mind.
How can this girl say and think such a thing with such certainty?
Well, increasingly this girl knows that it isn't just he body that Master owns - that part was given up willingly when she became His submissive.
It is the deep seated and acknowledged fact that He owns every part of her. It is about the fact that He always knows what His girl is doing, who she is with (except during the working day) and that during those times, when out of sight that she is mindful of her slave status, of what His views would be of her behaviour at that time. This is done without actual contact, save for the occasional text or email.
When they are together His control over her is more overt and explicit. That isn't to say that she doesn't do things on her own initiative, of course she does. But there is an every present understanding who and what she is and what her purpose is. Of course, this relationship is much wider, deeper, and stronger than can easily be expressed on a page such as this. It is a loving caring relationship between two adults. It is about pleasure and fun and it is about discussing serious issues and making decisions. But at all times, He is the Master and she is the slave. She is this girl to Him and He is Master to her.
Today this girl has no limits, they are owned by Master along with her body, her orgasms and indeed her mind.
All of these things can be stated because there is complete trust in who this girl is, who He is and that He will always do the right thing by her. Soon we will take the next step and this girl will wear Master's collar.
A year may have flown by, but in terms of this relationship we have come a very long way.
An update on where we are right now
A couple of months has passed since I last updated this page. In that time, the relationship between Master and I has further developed so that the mix between M/s and a conventional relationship has become a little more balanced. At times, it might even have swung towards the more vanilla. But that has not been a particular problem for either of us. The key really is that the power pendulum is always at least slightly swinging in His direction. He calls the shots and makes the decisions. It is not that I am some kind of doormat, far from it, but for me it is liberating to have given up control of certain aspects of my life to Him. What is more, I trust Him to make the decisions that are right for us both. Of course, I can't easily change the habits of a lifetime, so I admit that I often question what we are going to be doing and where we are going to be going. He finds this very amusing and depending on how He feels on a particular day, might just accept it or accuse me of brattiness. He is not hot on punishment, since I tend to enjoy it too much, but the possibilities are always there.
The key thing about the relationship today, versus my last entry here, is that this is currently a relationship of two people. The former slave is off the scene and thankfully has met another. For us though, there is every possibility that another girl will come on the scene at some point. While I don't pretend that this will be easy, actually it is something that I will be prepared to do if that is what He wants and needs.
For now though. We are having a good time and are a couple. We spend as much time together as people who don't live together can. At the moment life on this journey is good.
The first 9 Months (October 2014)
Below is a summary of our relationship from when we first met in February 2014 to now, very nearly 9 months later. Reading from the bottom of the page up.
The first few weeks after He returned from his trip were difficult. Master was physically and emotionally drained, firstly from jet lag and then from the problems which were emerging for Him in His other relationship. It took a while for Him and I to work out what our relationship would mean from now on. There was a time when there was little sex, little play, but just time spent together. Gradually though, He emerged from the dark place He had fallen into and the summer of fun for us began. I have written about it all here
At the same time, His slave in the US and I made an attempt at forming our own relationship. We friended each other on Facebook and chatted quite a bit on yahoo and even Skype. I entered into the whole thing in my usual way - open and honest is my motto. I soon found out though, that it is difficult to be that way with someone who is jealous of every moment you spend with your Master. Jealous because you are where she believes she should be. At this point I made a fatal mistake. This was to allow her to read my blog. She had discovered it on Master's tablet and then when she asked me for the url again, I let her have it. She proceeded to read every post I had written and to quiz me on every element of my understanding of my relationship with the man she called Master. Life for us both became difficult as she quizzed Him too.
In July, when things in the relationship Master and I had together seemed to be going very well indeed. I asked a question that had been burning away at the back of my mind. By that time, I had set up a private blog for He and I to communicate with each other. I posed the question there.
I asked Him where I would fit in his life once His slave arrived to live here. His answer hit me hard. Even though he had never promised otherwise, it was difficult to be told that I would never be anything but secondary to His primary slave.
At this point I felt I needed to prepare myself for the exit, when it came. But even while doing that, Master and I formalised the relationship with a contract and at the same time that very relationship continued to develop and deepen both in D/s and vanilla terms. A contradiction indeed.
Asking that question and receiving the answer I did may have led to Master to consider on a deeper level what it was that He wanted from His life. Because by the end of August He was viewing things quite differently.
Meantime, my relationship with her all but broke down. The end point for me coming one day when one of her comments via Facebook messenger saw me crying at my desk at work.
Becoming His slave
While Master was away during May there were only a few opportunities for us to communicate freely. Going from the almost constant contact we had during those first few weeks to pretty much nothing was difficult. I discovered I was far more needy than I had imagined. Without my Dominant there to help me, I felt alone and not a little bit scared. He set me a few tasks, and I sent Him photographic proof of their completion. This pleased and excited Him. Then I sent further emails some of which were reasonably explicit, others which just told Him about my day to day life.
One evening (morning for Him), we were chatting through a text medium (rather than Skype), when I felt myself become strangely overwhelmed with my submissive feelings at the same time as something happened His end. Suddenly He asked if I would like to be His slave. I immediately told Him I did.
I am not sure why being His slave felt important to me. I am not sure why the concept of giving up so much more of myself appealed. I don't know why I embraced calling Him Master more than I had Sir. I don't know why I am so willing to abide by the few rules He has, or that I so readily follow His instruction without complaint or argument. I don't know why being His slave overwhelms me emotionally at times.
What I do know is that He loves the power that He feels as the Master of me. What I also know is that it makes me want to submit to Him all the more.
The months since His return in June this year, have allowed me to discover so much more of my submissive side than I knew to be possible. I know that I am His slave.
It is so easy to believe that you can share a partner with another. To begin with I truly believed I could, indeed I probably could have if the other person believed it too and was prepared to work at it. I would be as bold as to say that in the future, if I want to remain in my relationship with Master, it will be a requirement. This is something we will need to work through, but actually I don't reject in any way.
To begin with, Master's slave seemed to want Him to be spending time with me. Due to her personal circumstances it was going to be a while before she could join Him. She had someone to manage her day to day needs and He needed that too. But perhaps the attraction Master and I felt also fed through to her, thousands of miles away. What is more, our conversations with each other made me question her fundamental assumptions. That spending a few weeks together at a time meant that this could be translated into a long term relationship. The rhetoric of her assumptions of their future life seemed at odds with the reality of His life as I saw it. I was puzzled. But my questions were not welcomed.
I approached the relationship in the knowledge that I was a play partner, who maybe would be retained. At the same time I knew He had a slave who would be his permanent partner. At some point though, emotion took over.
He traveled to see His slave. We all accepted that we were part of a triad. Or maybe we didn't?
I recently read back through my blog posts from February 2014, when my relationship with Master began. I was struck by the speed at which what we thought we wanted changed and it became apparent to us both that we needed more.
At that time, we were clear about what we were both looking for - a no strings attached, relationship where we could play together, but also have some vanilla type fun. It was only a month since my previous kinky relationship had ended, one that had helped me learn something of my submission but which in essence ended because he was looking for something different to me. What that was I didn't know at that time. I was also in the process of ending my marriage, still not clear about how that would happen. While that process still goes on, I have a time frame within which I am sure that will happen. In turn, Master was looking for someone to meet His needs until the long distance relationship with His slave could become one where they lived together.
During those first couple of weeks it was clear that the attraction between us was very strong. He loves His toys and used them on me, sending me with ease into sub space. This was a place I had been before, but which I had tried to avoid since it meant losing control and a sense that some control was needed to prevent me doing or saying something that wouldn't be welcome to someone who was essentially playing at D/s. Then we started to go out together, for films, dinner. We found we shared an interest in history and culture, though His knowledge has always been greater and His interests more formed. A sign perhaps of the different way in which we have lived our lives. Added to that we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. He saw in me someone who wanted to explore her submission at a time when He wanted to learn about His own dominant side. Plus the sex was very good - we met each others needs.
I told him about my blog within a week or two and he read it from the beginning, asking questions to better understand my kinks. He still goes back and reads from time to time and has a better memory of what I have written than I have at times.
Within weeks the D/s side of things was developing - His request that I refer to myself in the third person. That I call Him Sir being the start. He also pushed my limits in relation to pain. Quickly too we discussed having me pierced, something we didn't do for a while, but we certainly talked about it.
Within days of us beginning to see each other, He expressed his anxiety that our relationship might cause problems with His more established one. We discussed whether to end things there, but knew that what we were experiencing was what we both needed. We both expressed that we were happier than we had been in a long time. That at the time was the most important thing.